Facebook Status Updates We'd Like to Post

"Special K hates...well, pretty much everyone."

"SWF would love to see you again. Is never good for you?"

"Special K can't deal with your issues and is canceling her subscription."

"SWF knows you actually have a wife, a-hole, and would bet her 401k that you're banging at least half of the 20-year-olds you're 'wall-flirting' with on MySpace."

"Special K just peed on her leg doing the Johnny Bench in the office bathroom."

"SWF is astonished by her own cyber-sleuthing capabilities but is weary of outsmarting these egomaniacs, narcissists and liars."

"Special K nevers ceases to be amazed that no one has any manners."

"SWF is suffering from explosive diarrhea."

"Special K wishes people she hasn't spoken with since 6th grade would stop friending her."

"SWF is wondering why everyone is such a huge disappointment."

"Special K is aghast at what some people think is appropriate subject matter for 'Wall' postings--like their reproductive trials and travails. Honestly???"